Something New!

I am feeling the need for a change.  I don't know what.  I want to do something crazy and different, something unexpected.  I didn't think I'd be this girl, but I want that change that can sink into my skin.  A tattoo would be amazing, but probably a really horrible idea, given I'm an acting major.  possibly another peircing.  One of my friends is chopping all of her hair off, which made me think....what if I dyed it red or something? Gah. I don't know.  I want to reinvent myself, somehow.  I feel so trapped inside my skin lately.  it's like a horrible, itchy feeling of being the same old, same old, of just holding in everything.  I want an escape.  i feel stuck. Something has to change.....let me ponder it a little longer. don't worry, I'll let you know. Also....I'm feeling a new blog or website soon.  Fashion related?  Ooo.  Maybe just feeling inspired will help.

New Beginnings

Welp. Yea.  This year has been quite the learning experience.  I guess it takes such a vast life change as college to make you realize what you're doing wrong in your life.  I am realizing something so scary.  It hit me a couple weeks ago, and it's starting to fill me with that weird kind of dread/excited feeling. I realized that I don't really know who I am. I mean, obviously, that's a stupid, broad statement.  but there's some truth in it, and that really freaks me out.  I guess a better definition is: I know who I am, when I am around the people who have supported me for years and years.  I am the nice one, the good girl, the loyal one, the one who will do pretty much whatever is asked of her.  I'm the driven one, the lucky one who knows exactly what she wants to do with her life.  I'm the one who is dedicated to the things she loves.  I'm the girlfriend.  The best friend.  The bookish one.
      And now, I'm thousands of miles from what I was.  and I have to figure out....what, of these things previously listed, changes?  I've already noticed a shift in many of them.  For example, now that I've reached the goal of seven years of fighting--my BFA program for acting at school--what in the hell am I planning to do with it?  Where am I going with that? Hell if I know.
      I know there are several things I don't want to be--for one, I'm sick of being the girl who is walked all over.  Fuck that. No more.  Just because I'm not gonna be a bitch back to you, doesn't mean you can treat me however you want.  see, college is helping! Kind of. 
     This winter break is the craziest thing.  I am seeing people who I was so close to, and wondering....how did I let them talk to me like they do?  Some relationships are crumbling.  others are getting even stronger.  and there is a part of me that loves lapsing back into the comfort of having things "the way they should be"....and a part of me that yearns to be back at school, where I pave the way for my life.  Whatever that is.
     I hope I'm learning.  I know I'm growing.  I wish this could all be simpler.

CANDY CORN!

No, not a smiley face! Random, I know....but candy corn is the devil. Seriously, I cannot stop eating the stuff....I am going  to be a chub.  I can't even handle having it sit on our table....it's sooo tempting.  That plus my one piece of dark chocolate a day is going to make me gain the freshman fifteen alone.

    Though, in other news, I've lost like three or four pounds.  So something's going right. 

    .......it might be time for more corn now. ahem. excuse me.

College.

Huh. I haven't written in...a long time. college has taken over my life. Which is weird, because college IS my life....I don't know.  I feel so confused here.  Somedays, I am so excited and happy I'm here.  I am part of an amazing sorority, I have good friends, and most importantly, I'm pursuing what I love.  But, at the same time...I am not happy.  I wish I had gone somewhere closer to home.  I miss my friends; I miss how every moment of my life was pretty much planned out.  I miss the tiniest things....like being able to just go downstairs and have dinner.  Here, it's a huge production--I have to find someone to go the cafetera with, plan a time, walk across campus...
         oof.  Okay.  I probably sound like a whiney brat, because I am honestly so blessed to be able to afford this school, and go for something that I love. Which is a ridiculous career choice.  But I'll worry about that when I graduate....right? Right? Anyone? Hmm.
        I feel so lonely sometimes though.  I hope I'm not weird; I hope that everyone feels this at some point.  Because sometimes, I just sit and think, "What am I supposed to be doing now?  Am I supposed to be partying? Hanging out? Because I don't even know where to start." Hopefully, this will get better with time, with trips home, and with visits....

Copying Copy Cat

I'm doing this because Brittany did it and she did it cause Tia did it and now it shall be a never-ending train of copying.  Yays.

Ten Confessions
1. People think that I'm really outgoing.  Well....I try.  What you can't see is the voice inside going "god, why would you say that? You're so dumb.  You look dumb." Gah.  I hate that voice.
2. When I say I love everybody, I'm not kidding.  I feel a lot of love for pretty much everyone I hang out with.
3. I'm really self-concious. Sometimes I feel great about myself. Other times I feel like I look disgusting.  I've fought such a hard road to be healthy....and it never feels like it's enough.  It's horrible.
4. I would drink four different kinds of starbucks every day if I could.  I love it that much.
5. Even though my relationship feels like a roller coaster sometimes, I would rather be in love through hard stuff then just let it go.  And I'm pretty sure I'll always make that choice.  Can't tell if that's a good or bad quality. 
6. I am not, contrary to popular belief, always happy.  I cry a lot.  Which is also annoying.  But I usually bounce back reaaaaally quickly.
7. I believe three things can make everything better: 1. Cuddling. 2. Singing your feelings.  3. Hot coffee.
8. I want to perform musical theatre with all my heart.  But sometimes I have huge doubts that the path I chose is the right one.
9. I want to travel across the world for like three years.  Enough time that I can see everything that I could possibly wish to see.
10. Writing makes me feel like I'm actually living an interesting life...as opposed to living in Middleton, Wisconsin.

Wow.  That was pretty cathartic.  Nice.  Good idea guys.

Sneek Preview!

Catie and I are starting an online zine, that will be, at least in part, about fashion.  here's the first little piece i've written for it. So excited! enjoy ;)

         Labeling has become so rampant in our society, the parameters have been completely erased.  They extend to every iota they can—religion, race, creed, sexual orientation, relationship status, educational status.  While every person in the world is, shall we say, an expert at judgment, (and no, it isn’t your fault—it is, however, most definitely your problem when you make your labels public.  Speak responsibly, people.  And let’s practice some diversity acceptance, hm?) the commercial giants of fashion, the magazines, have seen fit to label you by your style.

                I take offense at the very basics of that.  First of all, style should never be the same from one person to the other.  That is why it is called personal style.  So how can anyone be pigeonholed into just one area?  And I suppose that I can understand that yes, many people do dress with a certain aesthetic at the forefront of their wardrobe.  I, for example, am completely enamored of the ‘girlie’ style—anything with a floral print is mine.  But i would not label myself only a “girlie-girl”.  Where do my spiked suede sandals come into play with that description?  My sexy black jeans?  My sportish (well, I suppose I should stay ‘lacking a style’) school-club-issued sweats?  Second off, how can you even begin to label the styles themselves?  It seems to me that the cross over effects would be enormous.  Picking at random, a floral, loose cut tank in my closet could be labeled as “romantic”, “bohemian”, “country”, “girlie”, “sweet”….and that’s just off the top of my head.  If what I wear from day to day changes, and there seem to be no innate guidelines for labeling it, why must I be told what my style is?

                To find out how accurate currant labeling is, I decided to troll the Internet and cajole some friends into labeling me.  Ladies Home Journal declared me Classically Chic (yikes), but I decided to default, since I’m not sure the quiz can count if you’re under 35.  Dailyfashion.com called me Preppy, another yikes moment….but hey, fifteen questions can’t determine everything, right?  Mystyle.com also declared me “Classic”, thought, and seemed slightly more legitimate.  Feeling a little discouraged (classic is not how I see myself), I talked to a few friends.  The one who has known me the longest resolutely said ‘romantic bohemian’, a label I thought I could live with.  Another replied “romantic!”, and I trust her view point.  The last, though, replied classical elegance, and  I began to wonder, where are they seeing this in my wardrobe?    
                The very essence of labeling rejects the fact that you can be more than one thing at once.  It makes me feel closed in—I do not want to be seen as just “classical” dressing, because I don’t think that is in any way all I am.  So I propose this: ignore those tests which try to ascertain your deep individuality with a few inane questions about whose celebrity style you like most.  Figure out what you like by going online and looking, by shopping, by stealing ideas off of your friends. Whatever it takes to make what you wear you.  That is my deepest wish for today.  Rather than fall asleep by individually labeling each item in my closet tonight, I’m going to think about the outfit of my dreams.  Do the same, friends.

oh, disney movies...

Are these princess movies giving me unrealistic expectations about love?  I just finished watching Tangled, and realized that my heart was physically aching during the gondola/lantern scene.  Like....I WANT that.  Even though the rational part of my brain is going, "It's a fucking Disney movie, doofus." the romantic-oh-i-love-love-GAHHH!!! part is going: "yes. that's totally possible.  where's a gondola? how do I get a Chinese lantern to float....hmmm...."
    I think this is my final thought: no, the Disney thing is not possible.  But it is not wrong for me to dream about happily ever after.  in fact, I believe with all my heart that I will get my happy ever after someday.  Maybe not in a gondola....but then again, who knows?  life has a funny way of messing with our hearts.....