There's a song in the musical In the Heights called Blackout. And the refrain is "We are powerless; we are powerless..." I've felt that refrain run through my head so much this year. There is a part of me that feels outside of everything that is happening. like I'm not responsible for anything that is going on. And another part of me is trying as hard as it ever has. It's such a strange feeling. In someways, this has been on of the best years of my life, and I am very grateful for that. And in other ways, it completely sucks. Even worse than feeling powerless is the feeling of regret-- that if I could go back in time, maybe try a little harder, focused my energies on things that were important in the long run and not just fleeting things, I would be able to be happier now. I feel sometimes like my life is not my life. It's being run by other people. Or I feel like everything bad that's happened is my fault; and at so many things, I'm just not good enough. What's the truth, and what's the self-pity?
I still find happiness in the smallest things....talking over coffee, cuddling up next to someone I love, staring at stars because they're beautiful. I drove with my window down at sunset yesterday, the sky turning the rode in front purple and pink and gold, and I looked out at the fields and the trees and thought, "Content. I feel content. Spring will come soon, and everything is going to work itself out. You're fine." I hope my spring comes soon.
