Pain

I refuse to simply look at the bad things in life.  I refuse to be cynical.  I refuse to wallow in things that suck, but that I can't change.  Because honestly, I have an amazing life.  I am so lucky, in so many ways.  I have a great family; yeah, they frustrate me, but they are HERE.  I have an amazing twin.  I have a boyfriend that I am in love with, and who loves me too.  I have friends I would die for, and who would do the same for me.  High school has been, more than anything, a discovery of why I need to stop throwing myself pity parties.  So my friend lied? So what.  If I don't want to be around negative energy, I don't need to be around it.  So I was completely felled by several guys?  That's because God was waiting to show me the best one.  Yes, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I have free will, too.  Nothing's going to happen if I sit on my ass and wait.  But I am a firm believer in the fact that I'm only given what I can handle.  And I am so, so, so, so happy to be who I am, where I am.  We are all more lucky than we know. Someone's always in more pain than you.  Today, I'm praying for the people I know who need some help, in whatever way they need it.  I hope that they can find peace, in some way, whatever way the need it.  And I hope they know my love for them, and the love they hold inside them, is stronger than any of the bad stuff that can come their way.

Yes, I stole this.

from.....brittany. Because I love her.  And I secretly love these things.

PERSONAL QUESTIONS
 This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
erm.....okay.....

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Well, I wouldn't cheat.  I'd break up with someone first. But I'd probably feel so guilty, I'd confess before I got caught. Gahhhh yuck.

The last time you felt honestly broken?
Hm. Probably at the beginning of the summer.  I really don't mean to be a whiney high school girl. but it sucked. shudder.

Are you craving something?
mmm cuddling and dark chocolate and coffee from Stam's. Alex got me hooked.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
A vacation to somewhere beautiful, with the guy I love. that'd be cool. or just a fun girl's weekend.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
ten. But i'd freak out.

What do you hear right now?
Typing and my brother dorking around downstairs.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
 Um....one.....

What’s on your mind right now?
My boyfriend, friend troubles, when that fucking letter from michigan is gonna come.....how much i want to keep reading Water for Elephants....

Are you there for your friends?
Absolutely.

Last person to see you cry?
Alex on wednesday. gaaaaah. I cried so much.

What do you do when you get nervous?
Shake, and my mouth gets dry.  My face gets really hot usually.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
god, yes.  I try to find the nice things in people and I usually find it.  There's amazingness all over.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Um. gah, i don't know.  I don't think it's the age, I think it's your life circumstances.  And I'm going in to theatre so, that's not exactly "stable".  Probably mid to late twenties?

Does anyone completely understand you?
Katy, probably.  Alex knows me really well. And Bubby and I have that twin thing going on.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Oh, lots!

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yes

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
No.  I haven't made any decision I've regretted so much I would do it over.  I think everything happens for a reason

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?
Nooooooooo.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Yeah, I'm allergic and asthmatic.  Not a good combo.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
I hope not.  I hate that.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
YES.  and I still like them ;)

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
future

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
on average, probably 7-8.  I NEED MORE!!!

Are you easy to get along with?
I....dunno?  I think so.  I make friends really easily.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
NO! Katy and Minds.  I lover them.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Coffee with a little bit of vanilla cream. yum.

What size bed do you have?
A full.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Before, so it's nice and warmed up.

Do you like the rain?
I like pretty summer rain, but huge thunderstorms scare me.  and gray days make me want to sleeeep.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I would like that. But I don't know.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Ha. All the time.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Goodie goodie, probably.  They can't see the untamable bad-ass within me! muhaha.  no actually i am to good for my own good about somethings.

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
The Boy

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
No Strings Attached.  and it was amazing.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
No

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Yeah.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
No.  I'd have a movie night and a sleepover haha.  I don't do massive parties.

Do you regret a past relationship?
No. it all leads you to where you are today, and I'm in a really good spot.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
Concert, much better by far.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
No.   I'm kind of across the board.  Sense of humour, and someone who really likes me, are major attractions.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
No

Do you care too much about your appearance?
Yeah......gah.

Are you a jealous person?
Well......i really try not to be.  it depends on the situation.  usually i smack myself out of it really fast.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nope.  I wish.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. lots of peoples.

Last person who made you cry?
Meh.....

Does your ex piss you off?
No

What are you doing tomorrow?
Herm I don't really know yet. go skiing maybe.  hang out with peoples maybe.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
 Nope.  Almost one year ;)
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Ha. Yes.

Have you ever been cheated on?
NO!

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
No....

Do you like cotton candy?
I LOVE IT!!! Especially the blue and pink kind. gah so good.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
The Boy, probably. or katy. maybe katy.

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 18.  and hell no.

Do you have siblings?
BUBBY!

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Oh, often haha.

How has the past week been for you?
Um.  Haha kind of rough. but it's been good.  I feel very lucky with my life.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Heck yeah.

What’s on your mind right now?
I wish I knew where I was going to college.  Seriously.  Seriously.  and I'm excited for the hockey game tonight.  and for lunch in like ten minutes.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Freaking out and texting and trying to go to bed so I wouldn't be a vegetable when I had to wake up at 7 for a dentist appointment.  it did not work.

What is your current mood?
content

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Mom

Will this week be a good one?
I'm sure of it!

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Valentine's Day was incredible.  Life's good.

Who were you with last night?
my family

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yessss haha

Next time you will kiss someone?
Probably no more than a few hours hahaha

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Well....the first kiss? Cause I'm gonna be old fashioned and say that should be the boy.  other than that, who cares?? as long as you're kissing. hahaha

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
friends, thespian induction, dad, college shtuff. the usual.

Ah, facebook surveys.  meaningless wasters of time? possibly.  day brightners? yes.

In Defense of Valentine's Day.

This is a little treatise on the value of one of my favourite days.  I'm not going to call it a holiday, because really, there's a little part of me that thinks it ranks more among the "arbor day" than the "christmas" celebrations.  Sorry, v-day.  BUT: it is still an absolutely credible, viable day of celebration; a day to celebrate the most important thing in the world, no less.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the verse I chose as a "life verse" was corinthians 14: the one that starts "love is patient, love is kind....." and ends with what I think is possibly the most beautiful phrase I've ever heard: "love never fails".  Valentine's Day, as I see it, is a day to celebrate the people who make that true in your life. 
    I found it very annoying yesterday that when I told people happy Valentines Day, they said "It's a made up holiday celebrating capitalism at it's best; Happy Hallmark Holiday to you too." Really? Really?!  Valentines Day, like every other day of your life, is whatever you make it.  If you want to make it about buying your significant other gifts that they don't really need and that you feel obligated to give, that's gonna make it crappy, obviously.  If you make it about hating everyone who's in a relationship because you're single, that will also suck.  But try this: write someone you love (your boyfriend, your best friend, your mom, your mailman, whatever) a few lines about how much you love them.  Buy flowers--sure, they'll die in a few days, but how can you waste money on something that makes someone feel loved?  Put actual thought into what you buy your significant other, instead of spending five minutes at Walgreens grabbing the cheapest crappy box of candy.  Valentines Day is about opening your eyes to how much love you have surrounding you, wherever that love may be coming from.
   I had an absolutely incredible day yesterday.  Going to go down as one of the best in the year.  So, to anyone reading this: I love you.  Happy Valentines Day, every day ;)

Realization

I have come to the realization that I have a very nasty habit. I let things go.  Seriously.  I consider doing things, realize that they need to be done, and then sit and read, or daydream, or (and this is the most serious one) go hang out with my boyfriend.  Because, let's face it, I would much rather kiss and cuddle than finish a homework assignment.  This is okay when it comes to school work, because I always seem to pull it out of nowhere and get stuff done, and being a great student for three years has paid off.  However, it is NOT OKAY when it comes to college and other huge, major, life changing things. It sucks that I'm coming to this realization now, the week before my final round of auditions. Maybe if I had tried harder, worked more, done better, been a more motivated person, I would have gotten into my dream school.  I'm not giving up.  I refuse to believe that I can't do what I've always dreamed of doing.  But I can't just let myself falter on, gripped by little seeds of doubt that stop me. 
   I know what I have to do.  It's just really hard to actually do it.  This has been the second hardest year of my life.  Why is highschool so fucking difficult? Gah.  It's not in the way the books portray it, with cliques and bullies....at least not for me.  I could care less about being "popular".  But the huge decisions you have to make, the mental aerobics you have to perform to make sure you still have friends while having a boyfriend....it is literally exhausting.  And I don't know what the solution is.  I try to stay all calm and peaceful on the outside, but sometimes on the inside, I'm screaming. Gah.

And I confess....

I don't always have the answers, I don't always know which way is true.  Nevertheless.  I totally stole that from a song.  It is incredibly, deliriously cold outside.  And windy.  And blizzardy.  We don't have shit like this in Albuquerque.  I am not used to freezing to death.  Not a fan.  However, this intense weather has resulted in the declaration of a SNOW DAY, which I am incredibly excited for.  Sleep in? Why, yes, I think I will.  I had a massive amount of stress today, and it just melted away in the face of the massive wall of precipitation anhilating Wisconsin currently.  Yikes.
   I would like to list for you, in no particular order, the reasons I know that love exists:
Because.....
-when I think about Him, I feel instantly fluttery and happy.
-when I look at a baby and go, oh my god, how perfect and precious, that's what life is about.
-when I think about how much I care about my friends.
-when I curl up next to my dogs. Yes, it counts.
-my heart beats quicker when he wraps his arms around me