Monday, October 3, 2011

CANDY CORN!

No, not a smiley face! Random, I know....but candy corn is the devil. Seriously, I cannot stop eating the stuff....I am going  to be a chub.  I can't even handle having it sit on our table....it's sooo tempting.  That plus my one piece of dark chocolate a day is going to make me gain the freshman fifteen alone.
    Though, in other news, I've lost like three or four pounds.  So something's going right. 
    .......it might be time for more corn now. ahem. excuse me.

College.

Huh. I haven't written in...a long time. college has taken over my life. Which is weird, because college IS my life....I don't know.  I feel so confused here.  Somedays, I am so excited and happy I'm here.  I am part of an amazing sorority, I have good friends, and most importantly, I'm pursuing what I love.  But, at the same time...I am not happy.  I wish I had gone somewhere closer to home.  I miss my friends; I miss how every moment of my life was pretty much planned out.  I miss the tiniest things....like being able to just go downstairs and have dinner.  Here, it's a huge production--I have to find someone to go the cafetera with, plan a time, walk across campus...
         oof.  Okay.  I probably sound like a whiney brat, because I am honestly so blessed to be able to afford this school, and go for something that I love. Which is a ridiculous career choice.  But I'll worry about that when I graduate....right? Right? Anyone? Hmm.
        I feel so lonely sometimes though.  I hope I'm not weird; I hope that everyone feels this at some point.  Because sometimes, I just sit and think, "What am I supposed to be doing now?  Am I supposed to be partying? Hanging out? Because I don't even know where to start." Hopefully, this will get better with time, with trips home, and with visits....

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Copying Copy Cat

I'm doing this because Brittany did it and she did it cause Tia did it and now it shall be a never-ending train of copying.  Yays.

Ten Confessions
1. People think that I'm really outgoing.  Well....I try.  What you can't see is the voice inside going "god, why would you say that? You're so dumb.  You look dumb." Gah.  I hate that voice.
2. When I say I love everybody, I'm not kidding.  I feel a lot of love for pretty much everyone I hang out with.
3. I'm really self-concious. Sometimes I feel great about myself. Other times I feel like I look disgusting.  I've fought such a hard road to be healthy....and it never feels like it's enough.  It's horrible.
4. I would drink four different kinds of starbucks every day if I could.  I love it that much.
5. Even though my relationship feels like a roller coaster sometimes, I would rather be in love through hard stuff then just let it go.  And I'm pretty sure I'll always make that choice.  Can't tell if that's a good or bad quality. 
6. I am not, contrary to popular belief, always happy.  I cry a lot.  Which is also annoying.  But I usually bounce back reaaaaally quickly.
7. I believe three things can make everything better: 1. Cuddling. 2. Singing your feelings.  3. Hot coffee.
8. I want to perform musical theatre with all my heart.  But sometimes I have huge doubts that the path I chose is the right one.
9. I want to travel across the world for like three years.  Enough time that I can see everything that I could possibly wish to see.
10. Writing makes me feel like I'm actually living an interesting life...as opposed to living in Middleton, Wisconsin.

Wow.  That was pretty cathartic.  Nice.  Good idea guys.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sneek Preview!

Catie and I are starting an online zine, that will be, at least in part, about fashion.  here's the first little piece i've written for it. So excited! enjoy ;)

         Labeling has become so rampant in our society, the parameters have been completely erased.  They extend to every iota they can—religion, race, creed, sexual orientation, relationship status, educational status.  While every person in the world is, shall we say, an expert at judgment, (and no, it isn’t your fault—it is, however, most definitely your problem when you make your labels public.  Speak responsibly, people.  And let’s practice some diversity acceptance, hm?) the commercial giants of fashion, the magazines, have seen fit to label you by your style.
                I take offense at the very basics of that.  First of all, style should never be the same from one person to the other.  That is why it is called personal style.  So how can anyone be pigeonholed into just one area?  And I suppose that I can understand that yes, many people do dress with a certain aesthetic at the forefront of their wardrobe.  I, for example, am completely enamored of the ‘girlie’ style—anything with a floral print is mine.  But i would not label myself only a “girlie-girl”.  Where do my spiked suede sandals come into play with that description?  My sexy black jeans?  My sportish (well, I suppose I should stay ‘lacking a style’) school-club-issued sweats?  Second off, how can you even begin to label the styles themselves?  It seems to me that the cross over effects would be enormous.  Picking at random, a floral, loose cut tank in my closet could be labeled as “romantic”, “bohemian”, “country”, “girlie”, “sweet”….and that’s just off the top of my head.  If what I wear from day to day changes, and there seem to be no innate guidelines for labeling it, why must I be told what my style is?
                To find out how accurate currant labeling is, I decided to troll the Internet and cajole some friends into labeling me.  Ladies Home Journal declared me Classically Chic (yikes), but I decided to default, since I’m not sure the quiz can count if you’re under 35.  Dailyfashion.com called me Preppy, another yikes moment….but hey, fifteen questions can’t determine everything, right?  Mystyle.com also declared me “Classic”, thought, and seemed slightly more legitimate.  Feeling a little discouraged (classic is not how I see myself), I talked to a few friends.  The one who has known me the longest resolutely said ‘romantic bohemian’, a label I thought I could live with.  Another replied “romantic!”, and I trust her view point.  The last, though, replied classical elegance, and  I began to wonder, where are they seeing this in my wardrobe?    
                The very essence of labeling rejects the fact that you can be more than one thing at once.  It makes me feel closed in—I do not want to be seen as just “classical” dressing, because I don’t think that is in any way all I am.  So I propose this: ignore those tests which try to ascertain your deep individuality with a few inane questions about whose celebrity style you like most.  Figure out what you like by going online and looking, by shopping, by stealing ideas off of your friends. Whatever it takes to make what you wear you.  That is my deepest wish for today.  Rather than fall asleep by individually labeling each item in my closet tonight, I’m going to think about the outfit of my dreams.  Do the same, friends.

Friday, May 13, 2011

oh, disney movies...

Are these princess movies giving me unrealistic expectations about love?  I just finished watching Tangled, and realized that my heart was physically aching during the gondola/lantern scene.  Like....I WANT that.  Even though the rational part of my brain is going, "It's a fucking Disney movie, doofus." the romantic-oh-i-love-love-GAHHH!!! part is going: "yes. that's totally possible.  where's a gondola? how do I get a Chinese lantern to float....hmmm...."
    I think this is my final thought: no, the Disney thing is not possible.  But it is not wrong for me to dream about happily ever after.  in fact, I believe with all my heart that I will get my happy ever after someday.  Maybe not in a gondola....but then again, who knows?  life has a funny way of messing with our hearts.....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sorries ;)

so I haven't written in forever......sorry ya'll.  I'm inspired by one of my besties to get back into this.  I feel like I want to write so often....and then I get bogged down in all of the other shit that has to get done. Yuck.
     This little post is to say....I don't like missing people.  I mean, I like it that I have people to miss, obviously.  That I love people enough to miss them.  But I wish I had enough time to do it all....do what I love, and be with the people I love.  Please, please, please, please let it get better soon.  I have faith that it will, but I am a little sick of waiting. dumb, impatient me.
     But you know what? Life is amazing.  I love it.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

powerless.

There's a song in the musical In the Heights called Blackout.  And the refrain is "We are powerless; we are powerless..."  I've felt that refrain run through my head so much this year.  There is a part of me that feels outside of everything that is happening.  like I'm not responsible for anything that is going on.  And another part of me is trying as hard as it ever has.  It's such a strange feeling.  In someways, this has been on of the best years of my life, and I am very grateful for that.  And in other ways, it completely sucks.  Even worse than feeling powerless is the feeling of regret-- that if I could go back in time, maybe try a little harder, focused my energies on things that were important in the long run and not just fleeting things, I would be able to be happier now.  I feel sometimes like my life is not my life.  It's being run by other people.  Or I feel like everything bad that's happened is my fault; and at so many things, I'm just not good enough.  What's the truth, and what's the self-pity? 
    I still find happiness in the smallest things....talking over coffee, cuddling up next to someone I love, staring at stars because they're beautiful.  I drove with my window down at sunset yesterday, the sky turning the rode in front purple and pink and gold, and I looked out at the fields and the trees and thought, "Content.  I feel content.  Spring will come soon, and everything is going to work itself out.  You're fine."  I hope my spring comes soon.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Pain

I refuse to simply look at the bad things in life.  I refuse to be cynical.  I refuse to wallow in things that suck, but that I can't change.  Because honestly, I have an amazing life.  I am so lucky, in so many ways.  I have a great family; yeah, they frustrate me, but they are HERE.  I have an amazing twin.  I have a boyfriend that I am in love with, and who loves me too.  I have friends I would die for, and who would do the same for me.  High school has been, more than anything, a discovery of why I need to stop throwing myself pity parties.  So my friend lied? So what.  If I don't want to be around negative energy, I don't need to be around it.  So I was completely felled by several guys?  That's because God was waiting to show me the best one.  Yes, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I have free will, too.  Nothing's going to happen if I sit on my ass and wait.  But I am a firm believer in the fact that I'm only given what I can handle.  And I am so, so, so, so happy to be who I am, where I am.  We are all more lucky than we know. Someone's always in more pain than you.  Today, I'm praying for the people I know who need some help, in whatever way they need it.  I hope that they can find peace, in some way, whatever way the need it.  And I hope they know my love for them, and the love they hold inside them, is stronger than any of the bad stuff that can come their way.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Yes, I stole this.

from.....brittany. Because I love her.  And I secretly love these things.

PERSONAL QUESTIONS
 This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
erm.....okay.....

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Well, I wouldn't cheat.  I'd break up with someone first. But I'd probably feel so guilty, I'd confess before I got caught. Gahhhh yuck.

The last time you felt honestly broken?
Hm. Probably at the beginning of the summer.  I really don't mean to be a whiney high school girl. but it sucked. shudder.

Are you craving something?
mmm cuddling and dark chocolate and coffee from Stam's. Alex got me hooked.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
A vacation to somewhere beautiful, with the guy I love. that'd be cool. or just a fun girl's weekend.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
ten. But i'd freak out.

What do you hear right now?
Typing and my brother dorking around downstairs.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
 Um....one.....

What’s on your mind right now?
My boyfriend, friend troubles, when that fucking letter from michigan is gonna come.....how much i want to keep reading Water for Elephants....

Are you there for your friends?
Absolutely.

Last person to see you cry?
Alex on wednesday. gaaaaah. I cried so much.

What do you do when you get nervous?
Shake, and my mouth gets dry.  My face gets really hot usually.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
god, yes.  I try to find the nice things in people and I usually find it.  There's amazingness all over.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Um. gah, i don't know.  I don't think it's the age, I think it's your life circumstances.  And I'm going in to theatre so, that's not exactly "stable".  Probably mid to late twenties?

Does anyone completely understand you?
Katy, probably.  Alex knows me really well. And Bubby and I have that twin thing going on.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Oh, lots!

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yes

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
No.  I haven't made any decision I've regretted so much I would do it over.  I think everything happens for a reason

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?
Nooooooooo.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Yeah, I'm allergic and asthmatic.  Not a good combo.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
I hope not.  I hate that.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
YES.  and I still like them ;)

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
future

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
on average, probably 7-8.  I NEED MORE!!!

Are you easy to get along with?
I....dunno?  I think so.  I make friends really easily.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
NO! Katy and Minds.  I lover them.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Coffee with a little bit of vanilla cream. yum.

What size bed do you have?
A full.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Before, so it's nice and warmed up.

Do you like the rain?
I like pretty summer rain, but huge thunderstorms scare me.  and gray days make me want to sleeeep.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I would like that. But I don't know.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Ha. All the time.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Goodie goodie, probably.  They can't see the untamable bad-ass within me! muhaha.  no actually i am to good for my own good about somethings.

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
The Boy

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
No Strings Attached.  and it was amazing.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
No

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Yeah.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
No.  I'd have a movie night and a sleepover haha.  I don't do massive parties.

Do you regret a past relationship?
No. it all leads you to where you are today, and I'm in a really good spot.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
Concert, much better by far.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
No.   I'm kind of across the board.  Sense of humour, and someone who really likes me, are major attractions.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
No

Do you care too much about your appearance?
Yeah......gah.

Are you a jealous person?
Well......i really try not to be.  it depends on the situation.  usually i smack myself out of it really fast.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nope.  I wish.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. lots of peoples.

Last person who made you cry?
Meh.....

Does your ex piss you off?
No

What are you doing tomorrow?
Herm I don't really know yet. go skiing maybe.  hang out with peoples maybe.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
 Nope.  Almost one year ;)
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Ha. Yes.

Have you ever been cheated on?
NO!

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
No....

Do you like cotton candy?
I LOVE IT!!! Especially the blue and pink kind. gah so good.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
The Boy, probably. or katy. maybe katy.

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
I'm 18.  and hell no.

Do you have siblings?
BUBBY!

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Oh, often haha.

How has the past week been for you?
Um.  Haha kind of rough. but it's been good.  I feel very lucky with my life.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Heck yeah.

What’s on your mind right now?
I wish I knew where I was going to college.  Seriously.  Seriously.  and I'm excited for the hockey game tonight.  and for lunch in like ten minutes.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Freaking out and texting and trying to go to bed so I wouldn't be a vegetable when I had to wake up at 7 for a dentist appointment.  it did not work.

What is your current mood?
content

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Mom

Will this week be a good one?
I'm sure of it!

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Valentine's Day was incredible.  Life's good.

Who were you with last night?
my family

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yessss haha

Next time you will kiss someone?
Probably no more than a few hours hahaha

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Well....the first kiss? Cause I'm gonna be old fashioned and say that should be the boy.  other than that, who cares?? as long as you're kissing. hahaha

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
friends, thespian induction, dad, college shtuff. the usual.

Ah, facebook surveys.  meaningless wasters of time? possibly.  day brightners? yes.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

In Defense of Valentine's Day.

This is a little treatise on the value of one of my favourite days.  I'm not going to call it a holiday, because really, there's a little part of me that thinks it ranks more among the "arbor day" than the "christmas" celebrations.  Sorry, v-day.  BUT: it is still an absolutely credible, viable day of celebration; a day to celebrate the most important thing in the world, no less.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the verse I chose as a "life verse" was corinthians 14: the one that starts "love is patient, love is kind....." and ends with what I think is possibly the most beautiful phrase I've ever heard: "love never fails".  Valentine's Day, as I see it, is a day to celebrate the people who make that true in your life. 
    I found it very annoying yesterday that when I told people happy Valentines Day, they said "It's a made up holiday celebrating capitalism at it's best; Happy Hallmark Holiday to you too." Really? Really?!  Valentines Day, like every other day of your life, is whatever you make it.  If you want to make it about buying your significant other gifts that they don't really need and that you feel obligated to give, that's gonna make it crappy, obviously.  If you make it about hating everyone who's in a relationship because you're single, that will also suck.  But try this: write someone you love (your boyfriend, your best friend, your mom, your mailman, whatever) a few lines about how much you love them.  Buy flowers--sure, they'll die in a few days, but how can you waste money on something that makes someone feel loved?  Put actual thought into what you buy your significant other, instead of spending five minutes at Walgreens grabbing the cheapest crappy box of candy.  Valentines Day is about opening your eyes to how much love you have surrounding you, wherever that love may be coming from.
   I had an absolutely incredible day yesterday.  Going to go down as one of the best in the year.  So, to anyone reading this: I love you.  Happy Valentines Day, every day ;)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Realization

I have come to the realization that I have a very nasty habit. I let things go.  Seriously.  I consider doing things, realize that they need to be done, and then sit and read, or daydream, or (and this is the most serious one) go hang out with my boyfriend.  Because, let's face it, I would much rather kiss and cuddle than finish a homework assignment.  This is okay when it comes to school work, because I always seem to pull it out of nowhere and get stuff done, and being a great student for three years has paid off.  However, it is NOT OKAY when it comes to college and other huge, major, life changing things. It sucks that I'm coming to this realization now, the week before my final round of auditions. Maybe if I had tried harder, worked more, done better, been a more motivated person, I would have gotten into my dream school.  I'm not giving up.  I refuse to believe that I can't do what I've always dreamed of doing.  But I can't just let myself falter on, gripped by little seeds of doubt that stop me. 
   I know what I have to do.  It's just really hard to actually do it.  This has been the second hardest year of my life.  Why is highschool so fucking difficult? Gah.  It's not in the way the books portray it, with cliques and bullies....at least not for me.  I could care less about being "popular".  But the huge decisions you have to make, the mental aerobics you have to perform to make sure you still have friends while having a boyfriend....it is literally exhausting.  And I don't know what the solution is.  I try to stay all calm and peaceful on the outside, but sometimes on the inside, I'm screaming. Gah.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

And I confess....

I don't always have the answers, I don't always know which way is true.  Nevertheless.  I totally stole that from a song.  It is incredibly, deliriously cold outside.  And windy.  And blizzardy.  We don't have shit like this in Albuquerque.  I am not used to freezing to death.  Not a fan.  However, this intense weather has resulted in the declaration of a SNOW DAY, which I am incredibly excited for.  Sleep in? Why, yes, I think I will.  I had a massive amount of stress today, and it just melted away in the face of the massive wall of precipitation anhilating Wisconsin currently.  Yikes.
   I would like to list for you, in no particular order, the reasons I know that love exists:
Because.....
-when I think about Him, I feel instantly fluttery and happy.
-when I look at a baby and go, oh my god, how perfect and precious, that's what life is about.
-when I think about how much I care about my friends.
-when I curl up next to my dogs. Yes, it counts.
-my heart beats quicker when he wraps his arms around me

Saturday, January 22, 2011

C'est L'Amour!

Some new collages.  I have this sketchbook in which I put EVERYTHING. Like, everything.  Every time i see a picture that I love, I cut it out for inspiration.  I design outfits in it, and practice drawing, and write and illustrate (or copy in) poems or quotes.   It's my baby.  I have this vision of some day being a major fashion designer and still having this book to go back to from 2010 that's got everything that has ever inspired me....ah.  True love.  Of course, every time I work on it, I feel like I need to try more with my style.  So, here it is: I will be dedicated to dressing cuter and innovatively.  It's just difficult as I have no time. And 50% of my closet is too big for me.  But other than that....hm.  It would seem a shopping trip is in order....

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ooooooo!!!

I am going to take a little time out from serious writing (and from studying for finals....cause really, who cares? Oops not a good attitude.  Sorry.) and write about something girlie and cutesie and fun.  So suck it.  Haha I will admit it: I am completely obsessed with prom dresses.  Again  Possibly even more than last year.  I keep getting these magazines in the mail that are filled, cover to cover, with glitterysparklyprettypretty dresses.  I have been trolling websites.  I have bought a Seventeen prom magazine.  What is up with this fascination?  I suppose it's because there are very few nights in the year when you can be a princess.  I love dressing up in a big ball gown.  I love feeling gorgeous and getting pampered.  Seriously, my favorite things in the world.  I had an amazing time at prom last year.  Everyone pumps you up with these amazing dreams of prom, and then tells you, "No, wait, don't get your hopes up!  It's not gonna be amazing, it'll probably be boring, don't be stressed!"   So I tried really hard to expect that much.  But prom was everything it could have been.  I had an incredible time with the best date in the world, and the best friends a girl could have. Sigh. 
    Sooo....being the girlie girl I am, and the innate costume designer inside me, these are my ideas for a dress:
Long and mermaid style, with either one shoulder or a halter....maybe strapless....with something pretty in rhinestones, and showing off my back.  I might upload some sketches soon.

So there you have it.  My completely pointless, adorable little post.  Sometimes, those are the best kinds.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Friend me!

If a tree falls in a forest without being written about in a status or twittered, does it make a sound?  I watched "The Social Network" with one of my best friends, and the whole time I kept thinking, "wow, I'm going to feel strange ever writing a facebook status ever again."  Because this movie puts straight into a glaring spotlight the obsession that our generation has with broadcasting something to the world, often while it's still happening.  I'm just as guilty of it as everyone else.  I'm reminded how I was tempted to write "I'm skiing a blue square!" right before I went down a hill on my ski vacation.  Why do we feel the need to talk about everything that happens to us?  Is it because we feel that without informing all of our friends what has just happened, it hasn't occured?  And perhaps the scariest thought of all, are we too busy living a virtual life to live our real ones? 
  That creeps me out to no end.  So I've decided to no longer check Facebook from my phone, or status from my phone.  Try to limit it to one status a day.  Because truly, life is too short to live it online.  There's too much out there to experience.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Ucky Feelings

I hate that moment when everything seems to be going exactly right and suddenly, the person you're talking to says something that makes your stomach drop to somewhere around your toes.  Usually, tears well up in my eyes and I'm stuck staring at their face, thinking, "Did you really just say that?  God, I hope I dreamed it.   Oh, no.  That mortified look on your face tells me I didn't dream it. Well. Damn. Yuck."  If they didn't mean to say it, the backtracking begins, and that's always fun to watch.  I do feel bad as the person tries to figure out just how, exactly, the can extract themselves from the six foot deep hole they've dug for themselves.  If the comment wasn't a big deal, then I just laugh it off and wave it away.  God knows I make comments that sounded great in my head...or more often, that seem to eject themselves into space from nowhere.  But sometimes, there isn't much to do besides stare at the person with shock splashed over my face, as clear as red paint.  I've never been good at hiding emotions, and hearing something that hurts from someone you love (friend, lover, whatever signifigance they hold), is utterly painful.  It feels like someone's shoved you over into ice water, in that you can physically feel the comment sinking in from your brain to you heart as you process. 
    For some reason, this seems to be the week of those kind of comments for me.  One very bad one just made me upset.  The other made me mad, and hurt worse than almost anything anyone's ever said to me.  Well, that's an exageration.  But it was awful, and it came from a friend who I would never picture saying anything hurtful.  How does that happen?  Is it just word vomit?
     One of the hardest to learn, but easiest to understand acts when you love to write and act is that words have staying power.  Once they are put out into the world, there is no going back.  No amount of apologizing can erase the fact that the moment happened.  I am in no way condoning holding a grudge; grudges hurt the person who's holding them the most, after all.  I just know from experience that a tiny shift occurs in the way you look at someone after they've hurt you in that way.  Sticks and stones aren't the only things that can cause a beating.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

School is so not helping

Just a public service announcement: some days, staying at home would be more valuable than going to school.  There are at least three classes that I simply spaced through today, and I missed NOTHING.  I could have slept an extra hour.  I could have learned some yoga.  I could have made some brownies (though I sooo do not need them).  I might have painted something.  Practiced piano.  Finished that song I have to finish.  Studied the subjunctive in italian.  Kissed someone.  Cuddled a dog.  Rode a horse.  Gotten Starbucks.
But I was, instead, daydreaming to the tune of Et Maintenant, Le Passe Compose Avec Avoir en Negatif!  It's a very mellow song.  You can't fault me.  And you know, despite my complaining....I should probably be doing homework rather than blogging.  Gaaaaah.  I promise I will have an original thought soon.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Book of Love has music in it...

"The book of love is long and boring...
no one can lift the damn thing.
It's full of charts, and facts, and figures,
and instructions for dancing.
But I....I love it when you read to me,
and you...you can read me anything."


"The book of love has music in it
In fact, it's where music comes from.
Some of its just transcendental,
some of its just really dumb.
But I....I love it when you sing to me.
And you...you can sing me anything."



"The book of love is long and boring,
And written very long ago.
It's full of flowers and heart shaped boxes,
And things we're all too young to know.
But I...I love when you give me things.
And you...you ought to give me wedding rings."

I learned this song from some friends over break, and only caught snatches of the words.  I just remembered to look it up.  After looking it up, I cried (of course), and realized, with a start, that this is my new Love Song.
  As my relationship goes on, there comes a moment where I just hear a song and know it's the one to describe my life at this stage.  There was the cutesie puppy love song, the sweet song, the melancholy song...and now this.  Okay, and I should provide a footnote: no, I do not want a wedding ring.  I mean, I do someday.  But I am 18. I am fine with being a girlfriend. More than fine. Ecstatic. Anyway.
  Somehow, hearing this song and writing out the lyrics has captured everything I would say about love.And, here's the peculiar thing about love--if you were to ask me to describe it, I think I could to a fair job.  It would take me awhile, and I would draft, and edit, and sit and stare at the paper for a bit, and tuck the pen behind my ear, and laugh at some memories, and cry at some others.  I would love it; I would moan over how long it was taking me, but secretly I'd fall asleep thinking about what to add.  As the song says, the book of love is long.  I'd have maybe two hundred pages, all written out in flowy cursive, that would contain every fragment of pain and longing, joy and euphoria, that I have experienced in the last ten months.  And then I would present you, wrapped in a long red ribbon: well written and grammatically correct paragraphs about love that would let you know how I felt about it.  But let me sing how I feel about love, and...ah.  You could feel it, too.  The words that looked pretty on the page are gorgeous when they soar over music and melody.  The things that felt right in my head make themselves whole and perfect in a song.  They hold themselves out of time.  I think one of the reasons I love writing and singing so much is because they both suspend animation--it pulls at my memories of sweet kisses in the snow, of rolling around in the grass, of playing, of laughing, of all of the little tiny things that make up the vast definition of love.  In my memory of this song, and of this short piece of writing, I will always be 18 and two months and 13 days old, deeply in love, and happy. If that is not magic, I don't know what is. 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Phwa Phwa Moments

I was thinking about posting something cool, metaphysical, crazy-deep. And then I was like, shit, I don't feel well and I don't want to go back to school. So time for a funny, what's off the top of my head kind of wall post.  I now present, in living colour:

THE PHWA PHWA MOMENT.

The phwa phwa moment often occurs when you least expect it.  Usually, everything is streaming forward in Disney-animation level beauty.  For example, you are texting a really cute guy.  He is totally flirting, turning up the heat, making you shiver in antici......pation. You feel like sparkles are going to shoot out of your ears--this is the most amazing thing you've experience...well, at least in a few days.  And then, out of the blue, he says "Hey, could I have the phone number of your best friend? like, i know she's dating that one guy,or whatever, but she's hot." Cue that horrible, depressing tuba fart sound effect-- the Phwa Phwa Moment in action.

I have had a million phwa phwas in my life.  In fact, my facebook status updates often end with something like phwa phwa that ----. These moments live to bring you down. Make you cry.  I'm a horrible crier; I cry about everything, and these are the worsts.  The time when you think everything is going to go your way, for once, and then *phwa!!!!!*. Meh.

So, I am proposing a new action: let us fight the phwa phwas.  Instead of getting depressed about something not going your way, take a deep breath, imagine a sparkly sound effect, and say, "Screw it, I'm putting on some lipgloss and going to Starbucks/painting my nails/smashing some pottery".  A resolution I can embrace whole heartedly.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Resolutions....and the fallacies who love them

Ah, resolutions.  A love/hate topic, to be sure.  I, for one, adore making resolutions.  Have I ever really kept one? No. But the delicious sense of purpose that they give you, the feeling that maybe this year your life will stay on track with this list of five things, is empowering.  So, I have once again fallen into the trap.  Here is a list, which I have the very best intentions of following, of what I wish to achieve this year.

1.Figure out my life, re:college
2. Find the time to enjoy the people I love to be with, and stop worrying about hanging out with those who don't deserve my time.
3.  Stress=slow and painful death. GOAL:no panic attacks.
4. Write more. Read more.
5. A subpoint of 4: stop facebooking. Go read some Descartes.
6. Actually do my homework. What a concept.
7. ONE SODA A WEEK. ONE. Lauren, seriously, one. please.
8. Do some yoga and stretching every day. You will be a lithe, lotus machine.
9.No, you do NOT need those cheese curds with your chicken, or that brownie with your meal. Eat light and healthy, and enjoy it.
10. Get back into running.  You liked it! No, really, you did.
11. Final Resolution: love yourself.
I have decided to devote a blog entry to this last one.  I think it merits it. stay tuned.