Realization

I have come to the realization that I have a very nasty habit. I let things go.  Seriously.  I consider doing things, realize that they need to be done, and then sit and read, or daydream, or (and this is the most serious one) go hang out with my boyfriend.  Because, let's face it, I would much rather kiss and cuddle than finish a homework assignment.  This is okay when it comes to school work, because I always seem to pull it out of nowhere and get stuff done, and being a great student for three years has paid off.  However, it is NOT OKAY when it comes to college and other huge, major, life changing things. It sucks that I'm coming to this realization now, the week before my final round of auditions. Maybe if I had tried harder, worked more, done better, been a more motivated person, I would have gotten into my dream school.  I'm not giving up.  I refuse to believe that I can't do what I've always dreamed of doing.  But I can't just let myself falter on, gripped by little seeds of doubt that stop me. 
   I know what I have to do.  It's just really hard to actually do it.  This has been the second hardest year of my life.  Why is highschool so fucking difficult? Gah.  It's not in the way the books portray it, with cliques and bullies....at least not for me.  I could care less about being "popular".  But the huge decisions you have to make, the mental aerobics you have to perform to make sure you still have friends while having a boyfriend....it is literally exhausting.  And I don't know what the solution is.  I try to stay all calm and peaceful on the outside, but sometimes on the inside, I'm screaming. Gah.