Monday, October 3, 2011

CANDY CORN!

No, not a smiley face! Random, I know....but candy corn is the devil. Seriously, I cannot stop eating the stuff....I am going  to be a chub.  I can't even handle having it sit on our table....it's sooo tempting.  That plus my one piece of dark chocolate a day is going to make me gain the freshman fifteen alone.
    Though, in other news, I've lost like three or four pounds.  So something's going right. 
    .......it might be time for more corn now. ahem. excuse me.

College.

Huh. I haven't written in...a long time. college has taken over my life. Which is weird, because college IS my life....I don't know.  I feel so confused here.  Somedays, I am so excited and happy I'm here.  I am part of an amazing sorority, I have good friends, and most importantly, I'm pursuing what I love.  But, at the same time...I am not happy.  I wish I had gone somewhere closer to home.  I miss my friends; I miss how every moment of my life was pretty much planned out.  I miss the tiniest things....like being able to just go downstairs and have dinner.  Here, it's a huge production--I have to find someone to go the cafetera with, plan a time, walk across campus...
         oof.  Okay.  I probably sound like a whiney brat, because I am honestly so blessed to be able to afford this school, and go for something that I love. Which is a ridiculous career choice.  But I'll worry about that when I graduate....right? Right? Anyone? Hmm.
        I feel so lonely sometimes though.  I hope I'm not weird; I hope that everyone feels this at some point.  Because sometimes, I just sit and think, "What am I supposed to be doing now?  Am I supposed to be partying? Hanging out? Because I don't even know where to start." Hopefully, this will get better with time, with trips home, and with visits....

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Copying Copy Cat

I'm doing this because Brittany did it and she did it cause Tia did it and now it shall be a never-ending train of copying.  Yays.

Ten Confessions
1. People think that I'm really outgoing.  Well....I try.  What you can't see is the voice inside going "god, why would you say that? You're so dumb.  You look dumb." Gah.  I hate that voice.
2. When I say I love everybody, I'm not kidding.  I feel a lot of love for pretty much everyone I hang out with.
3. I'm really self-concious. Sometimes I feel great about myself. Other times I feel like I look disgusting.  I've fought such a hard road to be healthy....and it never feels like it's enough.  It's horrible.
4. I would drink four different kinds of starbucks every day if I could.  I love it that much.
5. Even though my relationship feels like a roller coaster sometimes, I would rather be in love through hard stuff then just let it go.  And I'm pretty sure I'll always make that choice.  Can't tell if that's a good or bad quality. 
6. I am not, contrary to popular belief, always happy.  I cry a lot.  Which is also annoying.  But I usually bounce back reaaaaally quickly.
7. I believe three things can make everything better: 1. Cuddling. 2. Singing your feelings.  3. Hot coffee.
8. I want to perform musical theatre with all my heart.  But sometimes I have huge doubts that the path I chose is the right one.
9. I want to travel across the world for like three years.  Enough time that I can see everything that I could possibly wish to see.
10. Writing makes me feel like I'm actually living an interesting life...as opposed to living in Middleton, Wisconsin.

Wow.  That was pretty cathartic.  Nice.  Good idea guys.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sneek Preview!

Catie and I are starting an online zine, that will be, at least in part, about fashion.  here's the first little piece i've written for it. So excited! enjoy ;)

         Labeling has become so rampant in our society, the parameters have been completely erased.  They extend to every iota they can—religion, race, creed, sexual orientation, relationship status, educational status.  While every person in the world is, shall we say, an expert at judgment, (and no, it isn’t your fault—it is, however, most definitely your problem when you make your labels public.  Speak responsibly, people.  And let’s practice some diversity acceptance, hm?) the commercial giants of fashion, the magazines, have seen fit to label you by your style.
                I take offense at the very basics of that.  First of all, style should never be the same from one person to the other.  That is why it is called personal style.  So how can anyone be pigeonholed into just one area?  And I suppose that I can understand that yes, many people do dress with a certain aesthetic at the forefront of their wardrobe.  I, for example, am completely enamored of the ‘girlie’ style—anything with a floral print is mine.  But i would not label myself only a “girlie-girl”.  Where do my spiked suede sandals come into play with that description?  My sexy black jeans?  My sportish (well, I suppose I should stay ‘lacking a style’) school-club-issued sweats?  Second off, how can you even begin to label the styles themselves?  It seems to me that the cross over effects would be enormous.  Picking at random, a floral, loose cut tank in my closet could be labeled as “romantic”, “bohemian”, “country”, “girlie”, “sweet”….and that’s just off the top of my head.  If what I wear from day to day changes, and there seem to be no innate guidelines for labeling it, why must I be told what my style is?
                To find out how accurate currant labeling is, I decided to troll the Internet and cajole some friends into labeling me.  Ladies Home Journal declared me Classically Chic (yikes), but I decided to default, since I’m not sure the quiz can count if you’re under 35.  Dailyfashion.com called me Preppy, another yikes moment….but hey, fifteen questions can’t determine everything, right?  Mystyle.com also declared me “Classic”, thought, and seemed slightly more legitimate.  Feeling a little discouraged (classic is not how I see myself), I talked to a few friends.  The one who has known me the longest resolutely said ‘romantic bohemian’, a label I thought I could live with.  Another replied “romantic!”, and I trust her view point.  The last, though, replied classical elegance, and  I began to wonder, where are they seeing this in my wardrobe?    
                The very essence of labeling rejects the fact that you can be more than one thing at once.  It makes me feel closed in—I do not want to be seen as just “classical” dressing, because I don’t think that is in any way all I am.  So I propose this: ignore those tests which try to ascertain your deep individuality with a few inane questions about whose celebrity style you like most.  Figure out what you like by going online and looking, by shopping, by stealing ideas off of your friends. Whatever it takes to make what you wear you.  That is my deepest wish for today.  Rather than fall asleep by individually labeling each item in my closet tonight, I’m going to think about the outfit of my dreams.  Do the same, friends.

Friday, May 13, 2011

oh, disney movies...

Are these princess movies giving me unrealistic expectations about love?  I just finished watching Tangled, and realized that my heart was physically aching during the gondola/lantern scene.  Like....I WANT that.  Even though the rational part of my brain is going, "It's a fucking Disney movie, doofus." the romantic-oh-i-love-love-GAHHH!!! part is going: "yes. that's totally possible.  where's a gondola? how do I get a Chinese lantern to float....hmmm...."
    I think this is my final thought: no, the Disney thing is not possible.  But it is not wrong for me to dream about happily ever after.  in fact, I believe with all my heart that I will get my happy ever after someday.  Maybe not in a gondola....but then again, who knows?  life has a funny way of messing with our hearts.....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sorries ;)

so I haven't written in forever......sorry ya'll.  I'm inspired by one of my besties to get back into this.  I feel like I want to write so often....and then I get bogged down in all of the other shit that has to get done. Yuck.
     This little post is to say....I don't like missing people.  I mean, I like it that I have people to miss, obviously.  That I love people enough to miss them.  But I wish I had enough time to do it all....do what I love, and be with the people I love.  Please, please, please, please let it get better soon.  I have faith that it will, but I am a little sick of waiting. dumb, impatient me.
     But you know what? Life is amazing.  I love it.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

powerless.

There's a song in the musical In the Heights called Blackout.  And the refrain is "We are powerless; we are powerless..."  I've felt that refrain run through my head so much this year.  There is a part of me that feels outside of everything that is happening.  like I'm not responsible for anything that is going on.  And another part of me is trying as hard as it ever has.  It's such a strange feeling.  In someways, this has been on of the best years of my life, and I am very grateful for that.  And in other ways, it completely sucks.  Even worse than feeling powerless is the feeling of regret-- that if I could go back in time, maybe try a little harder, focused my energies on things that were important in the long run and not just fleeting things, I would be able to be happier now.  I feel sometimes like my life is not my life.  It's being run by other people.  Or I feel like everything bad that's happened is my fault; and at so many things, I'm just not good enough.  What's the truth, and what's the self-pity? 
    I still find happiness in the smallest things....talking over coffee, cuddling up next to someone I love, staring at stars because they're beautiful.  I drove with my window down at sunset yesterday, the sky turning the rode in front purple and pink and gold, and I looked out at the fields and the trees and thought, "Content.  I feel content.  Spring will come soon, and everything is going to work itself out.  You're fine."  I hope my spring comes soon.