Ucky Feelings

I hate that moment when everything seems to be going exactly right and suddenly, the person you're talking to says something that makes your stomach drop to somewhere around your toes.  Usually, tears well up in my eyes and I'm stuck staring at their face, thinking, "Did you really just say that?  God, I hope I dreamed it.   Oh, no.  That mortified look on your face tells me I didn't dream it. Well. Damn. Yuck."  If they didn't mean to say it, the backtracking begins, and that's always fun to watch.  I do feel bad as the person tries to figure out just how, exactly, the can extract themselves from the six foot deep hole they've dug for themselves.  If the comment wasn't a big deal, then I just laugh it off and wave it away.  God knows I make comments that sounded great in my head...or more often, that seem to eject themselves into space from nowhere.  But sometimes, there isn't much to do besides stare at the person with shock splashed over my face, as clear as red paint.  I've never been good at hiding emotions, and hearing something that hurts from someone you love (friend, lover, whatever signifigance they hold), is utterly painful.  It feels like someone's shoved you over into ice water, in that you can physically feel the comment sinking in from your brain to you heart as you process. 
    For some reason, this seems to be the week of those kind of comments for me.  One very bad one just made me upset.  The other made me mad, and hurt worse than almost anything anyone's ever said to me.  Well, that's an exageration.  But it was awful, and it came from a friend who I would never picture saying anything hurtful.  How does that happen?  Is it just word vomit?
     One of the hardest to learn, but easiest to understand acts when you love to write and act is that words have staying power.  Once they are put out into the world, there is no going back.  No amount of apologizing can erase the fact that the moment happened.  I am in no way condoning holding a grudge; grudges hurt the person who's holding them the most, after all.  I just know from experience that a tiny shift occurs in the way you look at someone after they've hurt you in that way.  Sticks and stones aren't the only things that can cause a beating.